Archive for January, 2011

as hard as it is to imagine, christmas is over, the year is winding down to a close, and what a year its been. definitely more downs than highs this year has been a challenge to get through. Usually Christmas is my high note, especially now that I have two-year old, but this year it was a mix of emotions, most i wasn’t ready to deal with. It was only when my darling girl was opening her presents, that the first wave a nausea hit me, this year there was no loving grandfather to help her open her loot, no grandfather to put together her toys, and play the games she wanted to play, to me it was lonely to her it was Santa’s moment. Six months six long months since he left us, and i still cant seem to say his name without tearing up. In the last six months i lost my well-mannered girl and watched her replaced by something else entirely.

a toddler who never sleeps, and when she does wakes up terrified screaming at the top of her lungs, because she’s afraid if she sleeps someone else she loves will go way. (remind me to thank the person who told her grandpa was sleeping)

a toddler who refuses to eat for long periods of time, resulting in weight loss, and mommy failure issues.

a toddler who cries intently for someone I cannot bring back thus making me cry.

a toddler who I love dearly but cannot help alone. (thus weekly toddler therapy)

among those things 2010 has been the year for diagnosis, for my schizo affective husband, who I am trying so hard to understand his illness, I find myself at times short-tempered, and resentful. Hopefully 2011 brings some understanding and some new help. (starting with a new therapist today, and the realization that it wasnt always like this, there were although sometimes it seems too few good times. they were there.)

Resolutions Things I’d Like to see in 2011

a happier healthier toddler, both physically and emotionally.

a career path.

a happier and healthier husband and father both physically and emotionally.

a better blogger.

weight loss. (you know it had to be there, get off the computer and onto the treadmill!)

read 111 in 11 (because goals are good)

Write more, if I don’t write I can’t get published.

More knitting and crocheting complete at least 50 projects.



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